High School Coach: Who Ya Got?
Once during a junior varsity basketball game in high school, I stole the ball. Awesome, huh? Yeah, then I started dribbling down the court at full speed and bounced the ball off my knee and into the cheerleaders. Then I ran into the bathroom and vomited. (I swear to God this is true. How else do you think I ended up blogging?) Naturally, my coach yelled at me, calling me names that would make Ozzie Guillen cringe.
It occurred to me today – after reminiscing over that story – that maybe having Ashton Kutcher as a high school football coach wouldn’t be that bad. OK, actually it would be amazing. Which got the retired high school athletic superstars at MPSB thinking … who else would we like to have as our high school coach?
Take a gander at our list after the jump.
10. Wilson from “Home Improvement”
This dude worked Tim Taylor out of every single one of his familial problems; don’t tell me you wouldn’t want him making play calls with seconds left on the clock. That whole can’t see his face thing would be a bit of a problem, but I’m sure he’d find a way around it.
9. Icebox from Little Giants
The underdog that never got a shot, but when she did, she shined. Tough, smart and strong, Icebox has coach written all over her. Plus, the “Annexation of Puerto Rico” is never a bad play to have in the back pocket.
8. Ari Gold
There’s some danger in being mocked for this pick. But for as horrible as “Entourage” can be, it’s still entertaining as hell. And it’s not because Turtle decided to get high last week. It’s because Piven, while not up to PCU level amusement, continues to inspire, scream and annoy everyone else in the room. Hence, Coach Ari.
7. Al Pacino
Any Given Sunday was a high school movie staple, if only because the football scenes were realistic without the shoddy plot (*cough* “Playmakers” *cough*), there were attractive women and LL Cool J has never failed at anything on screen. Oh and because Pacino was a friggin’ awesome coach. He’s like Bud Kilmer who encourages debauchery. Downside: I’m not a steakhead.
6. Al Bundy from “Married … With Children”
There’s something comforting about having a loser as a coach (it worked for Scott Howard). My varsity soccer coach was a loser and practice/games were awesome. We weren’t good, but whatever. We had fun. And no one is as big a loser as Al. Well, except that one time he scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High.
5. Chubbs from Happy Gilmore
You saw what he did for Happy. He’s got age, wisdom, a love for his craft and he’s a master motivator. As long as Chubbs isn’t coaching in Florida – damn alligator bit my hand off – I think he’d be one fine fit.
4. A.C. Slater from “Saved by the Bell”
Now here’s the deal: just because a guy is a great athlete (wrestling, football) does not mean he immediately translates into a great coach. But, come on: this is A.C. Slater. If he went head-to-head with Zach Morris and Valley, this is a man you want leading you into battle. Bonus points for the short shorts and curly mullet.
3. Homer Simpson from “The Simpsons”
The loser label (see: Bundy, Al) applies to El Homo too, I suppose. So does the fictional label, but that doesn’t matter. We’re talking about a man’s man, a king of motivational phrases. If being told to bacon up that sausage doesn’t inspire you to do great things on an athletic field, then I don’t want to know you.
2. Snoop Dogg
Practice would most likely be … relaxed. And he’d be a proponent of high scoring. Snoop already has experience coaching his kid’s football team. Bonus: No one in high school wants anything that Snoop enjoys recreationally.
1. Kathy Ireland
There are hundreds of reasons to justify Ireland at the number one spot. First of all, she played football. In a movie (Necessary Roughness), sure, but it’s my fantasy. I can rescind your invitation anytime, pal. Secondly, coaches –usually unfortunately – wear short shorts. This time it finally works out for everyone. And of course, she’s well read. By me.
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