As has already been addressed by The Big Lead, your life will soon end.  Worse yet: everyone you know, every tree upon which you have scrawled your initials, every blog comment or post you have recorded, and any other futile scrape you have made against the sandpaper of the universe, will be rendered without consequence.

The world’s largest scientific instrument, the Large Hadron Collider, will be switched on in Switzerland on Wednesday. A few people are worried that the LHC may cause the world to be swallowed up by a black hole, especially when it starts to operate at full force in the spring. What would happen if you fell into a black hole?

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If you fell into a large enough black hole, your last moments would be a little bit like being on the inside of a distorted, one-way mirror. No one outside would be able to see you, but you’d have a view of them. Meanwhile, the gravitational pull would bend the light weirdly and distort your last moments of vision.

Neat! The 200-year process, within which you die and everyone who has ever met you has died, will be swiftly accelerated!  Stop crying, you sniveling ass.  Stop your nonsense.  You just aren’t as important as you thought you were.

On to more important matters: how does the end of the universe impact the world of sports?  Well, I’ve compiled a summary of sports happenings that will never realize.  In case you are reading this from a nightmarish, post-apocalyptic mirror-world, I would like to offer a simple, “olleH!”

- The Chicago Cubs’ 2008 season was supposed to be one of destiny.  They possess the best record in the National League.  Their run differential is off the charts.  Could this be the year they finally grasp their destiny and win the World Series?  Wouldn’t that be poetic?  Nope, because a horrific black hole will swallow the Cubs, baseball, and the notion of poetry itself.

- American football has steadily grown in popularity among the international community.  Will an NFL team ever exist in London, or Brussels, or Madrid?  No, because those cities will be shoved into a single mass, along with Chicago and Goodland, Kansas and any other city you can think of.  This mass will be the size of a roly-poly, and will exist briefly for 1^-10^999999999999999999999999999 seconds until it disappears.  What did you think would happen?  Hey, maybe God will write a diary and give you a shout-out!

- Will LeBron James ever win a championship?  Well, it’s possible.  In theory, and this is highly disputable, the atoms that comprised his body will continue to exist.  Eons from now, through astral happenings beyond our comprehension, the atoms that previously comprised King James will play an inappreciable role in the makeup of a new universe.  Perhaps the human element is the sole and requisite blueprint for an intelligent being?  Perhaps it will follow the same mold as our previous universe?  Perhaps a guy named Gwrkjgkljl Bloflsk will lead the Sssssnknkldgas to a championship?  Stay tuned, Cavs fans!

Life has never been so terrifying, but sports journalism has never been so easy!  So long, suckers!