It has come to this: Lou Piniella, a man who has never found a reason to relax about baseball, is urging Cubs fans to, I don’t know, go watch the election or something:

“This isn’t life or death,” he said. “It’s a game. It’s entertainment. … But look … there are important issues in this country that people should be paying attention to, not only what the Cubs do or do not do. I want to win as much as anybody, but if you can’t be loose, and have some fun and you can’t enjoy the moment, then you don’t belong here.”

That what it’s come to! Lou Piniella is actually urging you, the Cubs fan, to not pay attention to baseball. There are more important things in the world, says Lou.

Well I’m here to tell you something Lou. You … are absolutely right. But that is not going to stop me from being furious and thinking that all that matters right now is baseball, and for being absolutely irate that those NLCS tickets that I am, by some mysterious force of luck, getting to buy today will have no meaning whatsoever. I will be buying tickets to a game that will not exist. It’s incredibly sad. And — and excuse me, but I believe in frank speaking — it’s because you guys f—ing suck.

I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH POLITICS. OR REBA MCYNTIRE’S SHOW. I WANT TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT CONVEYS ANGER.

Anyway, you don’t need me to rehash the details of last night’s game, and I’d prefer not to. I’d prefer to go search for Manny Ramirez’s home run ball, which, if I saw correctly, just landed on Ryan’s apartment. Wait. That was actually Mark DeRosa’s ball. He took in on the plane to L.A. with him, but upon takeoff, promptly dropped it.

/slams head into desk repeatedly