Everyone knows T.J. Simers’s schtick: Go to a locker room, say some rude things to a player, hope that player defends his or her dignity the way any normal human would, record said player’s thoughts, write column calling that player “fat” or a “crybaby” or any of the other names usually associated with rich people we don’t like. Hissss, talented, wealthy athletes! Hisss! Anyway, Simers couldn’t be more transparent if he tried.

Then again, today’s column ripping Philadelphia — ripping its fans, its architecture, its team, its manager; only “It’s Always Sunny” is spared — is about as blatant an attempt to gin up rivalry and controversy and page views that I’ve ever seen. Anywhere. And that includes Mariotti.

A few snippets:

ANGRYVILLE — You spend any time in this dingy city and around these folks, and pit bulls running wild come to mind. Fine when leashed, but set them free, put a beer in their grubby paws and it’s only a matter of time before they’re going to go on the attack — both the home team and its opponent feeling the bite.

It’s an angry place, all right, everything old here in Philadelphia, crumbling and in ruin. Even the city’s main attraction has a crack in it.

Those are just the first two graphs! Reference to Philadelphia fans being rude and evil people — check. Oh-so-funny dateline — check. “Anger” — check. Reference to the Liberty Bell, an effing national cultural treasure, being cracked as if this is somehow a bad thing — wait. Holy s–t. Did he really just do that? Let me … yep, it’s there. Check. That Simers didn’t write “Rocky sucks!!!11″ is a stunning achievement in restraint.

It goes on like this, a tiny little man doing his best to make Philly fans look like horrible people and ugly losers, as if Dodgers fans, or really any fans, are so much more sophisticated. (Drawing such distinctions between groups of fan is silly anyway, seeing as, at the base level, we’re all paying thousands of dollars a year to watch grown men swing a big stick at a small ball, but I digress.) The rest of it isn’t really worth blockquoting, except this tasty little bit of baseball reasoning. I believe, in journalism school, this next bit is called “not trying very hard”:

The Dodgers have the better team, a destiny date in Boston, and while that might make the folks in Philly miserable, they don’t know how to act any differently here. The Phillies get the first two games here, their best pitcher in Cole Hamels starting against Derek Lowe, who is pitching for a new contract next year, as much motivation as any pro athlete can have these days. Advantage Lowe.

This assumes that neither player would play for anything other than money, which is about as cynical as it gets, but it also assumes that Cole Hamels isn’t as good of a pitcher when Derek Lowe is motivated. Which is just, I mean … that’s so wrong. Also, the Dodgers have “destiny date,” which totally means it’s going to happen. That always works out.

Anyway, if you’re from Philly, I strongly urge you not to email T.J. Simers today. Somewhere, in whatever oversized Philadelphia hotel room the Tribune Company is paying too much to supply him with, he’s sitting there, AOL mail inbox open, waiting, praying for your hate, knowing that if he ruins just one person’s day his job will have been successful. That’s an existence far sadder than any Philly — or Chicago, or New York, or L.A. — fan’s life could ever be.