So, uh:

It’s the second most popular style to sweep the Rays craze.

A bikini wax. Mohawk-style.

…Women wince. They cry. They even scream.

When all is said and done, women are left with a female Rayhawk.

It seems to be making a lot of men happy, Michelle says, as women come home with what she calls a big “surprise.”

Yes sir. As a boyfriend, I want to be reminded of my sports team at all times. Even when I’m doing it. Hello, I am a maladjusted alpha male who society would be better off without.

I’m at sort of a loss for words here, so I’m going to call on the expertise of Eight-Year-Old Jon Bois. Eight-Year-Old Jon Bois resides in the empty space where my heart should be, and is one of the writers of The Dugout. Take it away, Eight-Year-Old Jon Bois!

—

My name is Jon Bois, I’m eight, I’m older than most of the people in my grade (2nd grade).

Bikini waxes are wierd [sic]. My friend Josh M. (they call him Josh M. because there’s a Josh M. and a Josh H. in our class and we have to tell them apart) said he went to the beach last summer and he saw a bunch of women in bikinis. He said he went up to one of them and said “I see London I see France I see you’re [sic] underpants,” but I think he’s lying because he’s just a brag.

I don’t really know what a bikini wax is, but Josh M.’s big brother Dylan says it’s a form of Japanese Water Torture. I asked my mom about it and she said to start putting the place mats on the dinner table. I asked my dad about it but he was watching Star Trek. My favorite guy from Star Trek, probably, is Jordi La Forge [sic].

Mohawks are radical. Bebob Bebop from Ninja Turtles has one.

I don’t know who the Tampa Bay Rays are. I think they’re probably a soccer team. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are pretty good because their logo is a pirate with a knife in his teeth.

Here is a picture of my favorite baseball player.

Sincerely,
Jon Bois

P.S. I am unable to process “baseball team-themed bikini waxes,” so I’ll just leave it unassembled for my future self to figure out.