Years ago, I teamed up with the other Dugout guys to put together a list of the worst Halloween costumes we could think of. It’s one of the most ridiculous things we’ve done, which is why it holds a special place in my heart. To follow, a short list of the best (worst) selections from the list.

A 56k MODEM
Go to someone’s front door and ring the bell. They open the door and see a kid in a cardboard box with two eyeholes. Wait 4-6 minutes and say “trick or treat.” Receive the candy, wait another 4-6 minutes and say “thank you.”

DON ZIMMER
Dress in proper Yankee attire, and then dive head first through each person’s front door. Bonus points if it’s glass.

AUTO CARE SUPERCENTER
I tried many a time, but the logistics and physical properties of such an undertaking deem it impossible. An auto care supercenter must be properly stocked and equipped to respond to a diverse range of automotive consumer needs – everything from oil filters, to tires, to windshield wiper fluid. Few people realize this before attempting to wear an “auto care supercenter” costume.

WINDOWS
Create several 2′x4′ cards with various error messages. When someone says they “do not understand” hand them a copy of “Windows for Dummies” and just wait to get candy.

MARIO DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER
Holy s***, did you see that thing? F***in’ A.

CRAZY MR. ANYTHING FACE/HEAD
“NOW GIMME SOME CAN-DAY!” This equals any time Jimmy Fallon touches a guitar as the most unfunny thing possible. This is almost as bad as the kids who go as serial killers because they “look just like everybody else,” but made worse by wiggly fingered “ah googity goo” dumb person noises and the signature cross-eyed Adam Sandler scream. The only time this is acceptable is if you go to Adam Sandler’s house for Halloween. Knock on his door, and when he answers hold a copy of Mr. Deeds up to your forehead and say “I’M CRAZY MISTER BAD ADAM SANDLER ROMANTIC COMEDY HEAD, NOW GIVE ME SOME CANDY.” Extra points if he does his disingenuous soft-spoken “heh heh, okay there fella” voice.

THE LETTER “O”
I do not believe in two costumes; store-bought costumes and half-assed costumed that usually involve tape. If you were going to dress up as the letter “O” I would fully expect you to go the extra mile and hollow out your stomach wall through the small of your back. Since you would lose half of your spinal cord in the process, I do not see this happening.

A CD
See above.

MARIO DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER
Ha, holy s*** that’s a bad costume. Don’t go as that.

SLACKER KID ON SKATEBOARD
The only thing lazier than a ghost costume is no costume at all. I lived next to this kid who just decided not to dress up one year. His story was that he was a “kid on a skateboard.” He just put all the candy in his backpack. If I were giving out candy I wouldn’t have put up with it, and eventually he finally came across a discerning eye.

JON AND BRANDON: Trick or treat!
GUY AT DOOR: Who the hell are you supposed to be?
JON: Santa.
GUY AT DOOR: No, you.
BRANDON: A kid.
GUY AT DOOR: What?  You’ve got to do better than that.
BRANDON: Oh.  Uhh…The ninja from 3 Ninjas.
GUY AT DOOR: Which one? (sigh) Oh, what the hell. Whatever. (tosses Tootsie Roll in backpack)
BRANDON: Hi-ya!

The entire list can be found here (note: some filthy language is involved). Don’t go as any of these costumes! I can’t stress this enough! Don’t do it!