In the 10 or so years since I was 13, Lance Armstrong has undergone an image evolution … in my mind. First, he was the really awesome niche sports story I was vaguely aware of. Then, in high school, he was like my idol; please believe I rocked a LIVESTRONG bracelet. I have no excuse. I would say it was because I went to a private school that had a dress code, and I desperately needed to express myself with meaningful plastic jewelry … but I have no excuse.

Then he became sort of boring, in the same way people eventually got sick of Michael Jordan. And then he became annoyingly earnest former cycler Lance Armstrong. And now, after deciding he wants to ride in the Tour De France again, he’s just cycler Lance Armstrong. We’ve come full circle.

Except the Lance Armstrong whose LIVESTRONG bracelets I wore would never have been scared of catching a crepe in the jawpiece:

The seven-time Tour champion, who is making a comeback after three years in retirement, said in an interview in The Guardian on Tuesday that he is concerned about his safety.

“I don’t want to enter an unsafe situation but you see this stuff coming out of France,” said the American rider, who has many critics in France. “There’re some aggressive, angry emotions. If you believe what you read, my personal safety could be in jeopardy. Cycling is a sport of the open road and spectators are lining the road. I try to believe that people, even if they don’t like me, will let the race unfold. Yeah. There’re directors of French teams that have encouraged people to take to the streets … elbow to elbow. It’s very emotional and tense,” he said.

Oh no, the French don’t like me! I don’t feel safe! Pshh. Sack up, bicycle boy.

What Lance doesn’t realize is that he wasn’t reading anything about himself specifically. He was reading Frommer’s. Right there, on page 32, it says “Are you American? Great! Welcome to France. Be aware that your personal safety could be in jeopardy. At all times, do your best to seem Canadian.” See? It’s not that they hate you, Lance, it’s that they hate the country you’re from.

Actually, they hate you too. Go get ‘em, champ!