The human conversation has lasted for untold thousands of years. At this point, we’ve expressed hyperbillions upon hyperbillions of opinions and ideas. Amazingly, though, there are still opinions and ideas that, until yesterday, had never been uttered by a human being.

This is where Shaquille O’Neal comes in. As reported and confirmed by Alana, Shaq is now authoring a Twitter account. It is my hope that every odd phrase that has not yet been said, will be said. Let’s take a look. And let’s not judge the grammatical errors, because the poor little guy is punching in his thoughts via text messages.

Good morning everyone. Let me give you all a hint on how to relate to me, Shaquille O’neal I have a sense of humor I am very quotatious I am super intelligent ( but i hide it, dont want anyone to kno i’m a geek) lol And finally, i say things to make you earthlings think. For example, How many legs would a sheep have if you called its tail a leg? A smarty arty would say 5 < but the super intelligent specimen, such as my self would say …

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that no human being has ever said that. I ought to mail Shaq a dollar, because he’s awesome. But being awesome has its drawbacks. He was just pulled over by the cops, presumably for driving while Shaq.

On my way to practice, running late and i got stop by the cops, aaaaaaaggh

I’m imagining Shaq frenetically texting “aaaaaaaggh” while doing 115 down the freeway in a too-small compact hybrid, and I am laughing my ass off.

In all seriousness, Shaq has a proficient and unique command of the English language. Sometimes it serves him well to thumb out a 300-word manifesto. But other times, he prefers to cut to the quick.

SHAQ

Bam.