Greenies are gone from the game. Steroids are taken much more seriously. So where are baseball players turning for their this-162-game-season-is-far-too-long fix? The chosen fake disease of tired college students and edgy bloggers everywhere — ADHD.

Indeed, it seems as though a rash of pro baseball players have come down with a severe case of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, leading prescriptions of stimulant drugs to fight such disorders to skyrocket among Major League players. Today the numbers were released, and the head of the World Anti-Doping Agency is being all “drugs are bad” again. Harsh, bro:

“This is incredible. This is quite spectacular. There seems to be an epidemic of ADD in major league baseball,” said Dr. Gary Wadler, chairman of the committee that determines the banned-substances list for the World Anti-Doping Agency. He recommended an independent panel be established — WADA recommends at least three doctors — to review therapeutic use exemptions (TUE) requests in what he termed “a sport that grew up on greenies.”

“I’ve been in private practice for a lot of years. I can count on one hand the number of individuals that have ADD,” he said. “To say that (7.86%) of major league baseball players have attention deficit disorder is crying out of an explanation. It is to me as an internist so off the map of my own experience.”

Pshh. Sorry, Dr. Broski. I’ve got like three midterms coming up and my thesis essay for my poly sci 401 African studies class on the World Bank and a bunch of stories to write for the newspaper, and sometimes Daddy needs a little help in the wee hours, OK? Don’t judge me. My mom will be SO pissed if I don’t leave college with a good GPA and what if I want to go to a good law school and seriously you guys college is SO STRESSFUL. UGHHHH.

Wait. Were we talking about baseball? Oh, right. Haha. Baseball. Um, don’t do drugs, baseball players. Competitive advantage, and stuff. That’s bad.