Shaquille O’Neal Wields A Frightening Amount Of Power
Imagine trying to explain Shaquille O’Neal’s Twitter behavior to a person living in the 19th century. “There is a man named Shaquille. He stands over seven feet tall. He walks about town. Invisibly and silently, he communicates with those around him. He beckons people to flock to him, and they do. He commands them to approach him and touch him, and they are rewarded.” This person would think you were describing the Antichrist, or perhaps Jesus on stilts.
We have never seen this before: one of the most famous men on Earth hangs around in common malls and restaurants, broadcasts his location to the world, and invites the world to come and hang out with him. He is able to communicate with his fans as no world leader has ever been able to do with his people. It’s a development more historically significant than perhaps we realize. And as the first to harness this odd power, there is surely a lot of fun to be had by Shaq. As such, here are some suggestions for what he should Twitter next:
“see that lady pushin her stroller in the food court? every 1 go up and tell her that her baby is a messenger of satan. say it in a scary voice. itll be funny”
“ne 1 at the voting booth today? write in the fat kid from mighty ducks for mayor. he will rule with a just hand”
“yo i hate broccoli. every 1 go 2 the grocery stores, buy up all the broccoli, and burn it. there will be no broccoli in phoenix 2 nite. yur man shaq”
“im at the busy intersection downtown. any twitterin drivers here? if there are, shut off yur ignition and calmly walk away from yur cars. it will cause hours of gridlock and bring the citys infrastructure to a halt. in accordance with my master plan. peace”
“grab yur javelins and form an enormous phalanx. tonight we shall storm the governors mansion and i shall assume leadership as yur true n rightful king.”
If Shaq effectively leverages his power, there is no limit to what he could accomplish. Kazaam: fantasy…OR PROPHECY?
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