It is logically impossible for the United States army to commit transgressions overseas, ever. If, by some circumstance, an American soldier is about to torture a prisoner or preemptively open fire on unarmed civilians, said soldier will transform into a swarm of butterflies and flutter away to Heaven to live with Jesus and God. Karl Malone knows this, and he’s apparently tired of good-for-nothing politicians who suggest otherwise. On Fox News last night, Malone took them to task. Here’s Sean Hannity with the assist:

“But I think what happened with Bush Derangement Syndrome — this is important — is that they so went after the president. They accused our troops of being Nazis, compared them to the gulags, said they were terrorizing women and children in the dark, and accused them of murder without even any evidence.” He continued, “These are congressmen and senators doing this.”

Hannity! To Malone!

Malone replied, “Well, first of all, the Congress and the senators need to be slapped around for saying it. These are our kids.” He went on, “Look at me. Turn the cameras off, and I’ll slap them. OK.”

Somewhere under the same sky, Marv Albert instinctively stood up and shouted, “YOUSH!”

Nevermind that there is plenty of evidence supporting the Congressmen and senators who are concerned over our military’s occasional war crimes overseas. Karl Malone played professional basketball in Utah for 18 years, and Karl Malone didn’t see no atrocities. If you say otherwise, Karl Malone would like to smack you. Man, this guy is so much better than Alan Colmes.