Manny Ramirez Has Freed Bill Plaschke From The Bonds Of Sanity
After numerous hilarious attempts, Bill Plaschke has finally done it. He’s a man complete. He’s found his muse. The Manny Ramirez steroid suspension — a story perfect for the Plaschke’s rare-form lather — has freed Bill from the bondage of rationality and finally, mercifully, allowed him to go entirely crazy. I have to say — it’s a thing of beauty.
First, of course, the typical Plaschke faux-poetry. Get a load of this lead; it’s basically the best thing ever:
The best and brightest neighborhood in the Los Angeles sports landscape is a very different place today.
Mannywood has officially gone to hell.
The giddy streets are lined in shadows. The colorful houses are painted in lies. The friendly shops are stocked with juice.
The mayor is a drug cheat.
BUM BUM BUM. First of all, WHAT DO THESE METAPHORS MEAN? The “houses are painted in lies?” The friendly shops are now stocked with juice? Oh, like steroids juice? But then what substance have the houses been painted with? Are those lies latex or oil-based? HOW DO THIS MAN’S EDITORS LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS?
Anyway. That’s frivolous stuff. The real meat of the column comes from Plaschke’s thesis, which is that Manny Ramirez should be traded, or otherwise removed, from the Dodgers, and that the team should move on without him. Baseball-wise, obviously, this would be really stupid. The Dodgers will very much need Ramirez down the stretch, and anyway, no team is going to send anything resembling equal value simply because of the PR mess it would create. The Dodgers are stuck with Manny, which, though it’s no fun to lose your best hitter for 50 games, isn’t exactly the worst thing in the world, either. He’ll be back. He’ll still be good at baseball.
The major crutch of Plaschke’s column — indeed, of much of his writing — is his desire to position himself as a megaphone for the outraged fan. Surely Dodgers fans feel as betrayed as Bill! And if they don’t (hint: they don’t), what’s wrong with them? Little does Plaschke consider the possibility that there’s something wrong with him instead. He no more speaks for all Dodgers fans than I do for all sports bloggers, or for all Irish kids with funny names, or for all ruggedly handsome native Iowans. The difference is that in his failure to recognize that, Plaschke has managed to drive away many of the same Dodgers fans he likely believes he’s representing. Like, you know, everyone that reads True Blue L.A. To them, Plaschke is “insane.” And newspapers wonder why they’re going under.
But of course, I mean not to campaign for Plaschke’s firing. Oh no. Of course not. I want this man to write as many columns as possible, forever. Where else would I get such brilliant turns of phrase?
This can no longer be Manny Ramirez’s team. This can no longer be his city. Dead is the notion he can lead. Dead is the notion that he can be trusted.
Once a great town, Mannywood has become a ghost town.
W.S. Merwin, fall back. Bill Plaschke is gunning for your No. 1 spot.
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Bill is a reactionary windbag. People are talking and reacting to his comments now, so he is happy.
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