Marcin Gortat — Yes, That Guy — Has One Of The NBA’s Most Ridiculous Cars

By Eamonn Brennan

Before the NBA Finals, casual basketball fans could be forgiven for having absolutely no idea who Marcin Gortat was. He’s a goofy looking white dude from Poland, and he’s Dwight Howard’s backup, meaning he doesn’t get a lot of run. He’s an NBA unknown. Join the club, Marcin.

Somehow, though, Gortat manages to live the life of a basketball star. First, it’s the Reebok sponsorship. Marcin Gortat is sponsored by Reebok! And no one knew until he got in trouble for showing off his Jumpan logo tattoo, which predictably pissed off the Reebok ad execs who spearheaded the masterful Marcin Gortat marketing campaign.

And now this: Gortat has the NBA’s fastest car, according to one of the new mainstream guys at FanHouse who doesn’t have an avatar and doesn’t write blog posts so much as newspaper stories under the “blog” heading, which always momentarily confuses me. Anyway, the real question here is, why is Marcin Gortat such a badass?

Before he starts it, Gortat’s car doesn’t look any different than any other car in parking lot filled with rich people. It’s a new BMW M5, shiny and black and looking like a million dollars. “It could go over 200 mph, maybe 225 mph,” he said. “I don’t want to drive that fast, but what matters is how quick it goes from 0-60. I can pull up next to a Ferrari or Lamborghini at a light, look over, and they might start laughing. But when it turns green, I’m gone, waiting at the next light when they get there, and I’m the one laughing then.”

NBA writerbros, I have found your new quotable muse. His name is Marcin Gortat. He is large, pale and ugly. And his car will destroy you.

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