And he’s not even going to a college bar on Friday night! Hi-oh! God, college drinking jokes never get old. I might keep making them until I’m 40!

I shouldn’t joke, because steroids are very serious, and that’s what we’re dealing with here: a very serious case of steroid abuse by a 16-year-old Dominican baseball prospect in the New York Yankees organization named Damian Arredondo. Except the prospect isn’t 16 and his name isn’t Damian Arredondo. Wha?

Allow the New York Times to explain:

Many Dominican prospects have been suspended for performance-enhancing drugs in the last two years, but in a twist, this prospect’s real name is not Damian Arredondo.

In July, the Yankees signed a player they believed to be the 16-year-old Arredondo. DNA tests, however, showed that the player had lied about his identity and age. A spokesman for Major League Baseball declined to comment when asked if the player’s real identity was known.

I was about to ask how this happens, but I know how it happens: Dominican birth certificates are notoriously unreliable, and baseball teams are often all-too-willing to accept the idea that some pretty good 20-year-old prospect is really a 16-year-old prodigy set to change the franchise’s fortunes forever. So they buy in.

This apparently only becomes a problem when that prospect takes steroids, whether right away like Mr. Not Arredondo, or somewhere down the line, like Miguel Tejada. (If that is Miguel Tejada’s real name. I’m on to you, Tejada.)