Is there any greater gimmick in baseball besides the position player getting mop up time on the mound in a blowout game?

Well. OK. Yes. Yes there is. But we’re not here to talk about sausage races. We’re here to talk about Nick Green, normally a Boston shortstop, who got to try out some pitching last evening against the White Sox. With the South Siders up 9-2 in the eighth, Green came in and pitched two scoreless, hit-less innings. He also surrendered three walks. But not bad overall, eh?

According to ‘Duk, this was the eighth position player to pitch this season.

Here’s video of his eighth inning, in all its jittery, taped-off-the-TV glory:

This is last night’s fight between the Tigers and Red Sox. Two thoughts. First, it’s sort of humiliating for a batter to charge the mound and get taken down by the pitcher. Kevin Youkilis’ takedown courtesy of Rick Porcello isn’t nearly as embarrassing as the classic Nolan Ryan-Robin Ventura incident, but the fact remains: if you charge at someone and end up hitting the ground, you look silly.

Second, these vastly entertaining spectacles are rare gems. I just did some research. Since the start of the 2005 season, there have been just eight regular-season incidents in Major League Baseball that the media have termed as a brawl — not a “fracas,” or a “near-brawl,” but a full-on, bench-clearing brawl. (Tigers-Royals in 2005; Angels-Athletics, Angels-Rangers, and Cubs-White Sox in 2006; Cubs-Padres in 2007; Rangers-Mariners and Rays-Red Sox in 2008; Tigers-Red Sox in 2009.) Approximately 11,410 games have been played since 2005, so a brawl has occurred once every 1,426 regular-season games.

There have also been eight no-hitters thrown since the start of the 2005 season. That’s right. Over the past five seasons, brawls are as rare as no-hitters, and no-hitters are as common as brawls. So if you’re lucky enough to witness a brawl in person, know that you’re witnessing history. Save your ticket stub.

The cold, hard fact of contemporary baseball, which has been driven home yet again today, is that everyone except for Albert Pujols is on steroids. News broke this morning that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003.

Manny’s reported performance-enhancing drug use isn’t news, but Ortiz’s is, even in spite of the rumors that have swirled around him over the last couple of years. Most big-name PED users, prior to being discovered, have preferred to stay as far away from the issue as possible. Some have conceded and toe the “steroids are bad” line. But few have taken the Frank Thomas route and crusaded against PED use. David Ortiz was one of these guys. From the Boston Globe, May 4, 2004:

“Me and Manny, we talked to [Dominican prospects]. We let them know the best way was to work your butt off. I told them [steroids], that’s not where they want to be at.”

…’I just worked hard, tried to eat the best I could, work at the gym, follow the program everybody wanted to teach me. That’s it. Why can’t they do it the same way?”

Maybe David Ortiz is a self-righteous hypocrite. Or maybe he used steroids unwittingly. Which brings me to a point I’d like to make. From the Globe, May 12, 2007:

Keep reading →

Well, since it’s been about a month and a half since Sammy Sosa’s name leaked off the 2003 list, it’s high time for the New York Times to talk to the lawyers familiar with who’s on the list, and get them to spill the dirt on another few names.

And this time? It’s Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, the dynamic duo that propelled the Red Sox to World Series titles in 2004 and 2007. Ramirez should come as little surprise to anyone; the dude failed a test this year and received a 50-game suspension as a result. And really, Ortiz is no shock either: there have been rumblings about him for years, and his horrific start this season only added fuel to the fire that he may no longer be getting a bump from substances.

I suppose it’s a sad day for Red Sox Nation, knowing that their two heroes were tainted when they led them to the Promised Land, but whatever. It’s not like their competition was PED free, either.

As some of my fellow tweeters said a few minutes ago when this broke, can we just release the whole damn list already and move on?

Will Brinson will not be writing for us today like usual. Do you want to know why? Because he’s heading to the Phish concert in Asheville, NC tonight. And do you want to know where he was the weekend before last? He was at Fenway Park … for a Phish concert.

All across America there are bros like this: eschewing their normal lives and schedules to get meaningful with each other at Phish concerts, traveling the country to listen to Trey and the guys playing a sweet cover of the Velvet Underground while eating grilled cheese sandwiches. I don’t get it. I really don’t.

ANYWAY, at that Fenway Park show, a Yankees fan decided to plant Yankee Stadium grass at Fenway to undo the jinx workers that buried the Red Sox jersey at the new Yankee Stadium apparently set.

Ferris, 30, a Bombers fan in the heart of Red Sox Nation, green-thumbed his nose at Boston by planting Yankee Stadium grass in the Fenway infield during a May 31 Phish concert.

Yankee Stadium grass seeds went on sale this year. Ferris hid the seeds in his pants as he entered Fenway, filled the bag with water and tossed it onto the infield.

“This is payback,” said Ferris, who manages a Hooters in Vermont. “If even one blade of grass sprouts on the field, I feel it was a success.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa: someone sneaked grass into a Phish concert and it wasn’t marijuana? I think this is a first.

My eyes are awful. I broke my glasses almost two years ago, and have been too lazy to get new ones, or contacts. I don’t drive often, so that’s good. But I struggle to watch TV, and I can’t read anything that’s not right in front of my face. Good thing I work on a laptop all day.

But David Ortiz? Dude says he has 20-20 vision. But, he’s struggled at the plate this year, and nothing seems to be working. So hey, he’s going to get his eyes checked. Why not?

From the Boston Globe:

“You know what? I’ve been thinking about getting my eyes checked, for real,” said Ortiz, who occasionally wears glasses. “There have been some situations that something has happened to my eyes, my vision. But I’m planning on getting my eyes checked out sometime soon . . . just to make sure.

“We get our eyes checked every year. I’m 20-20. Go and check it out. It’s not anything big. I will, though. I seriously will.”

David, which optician are you going to hit up? Let me know. I’m in need of a good one.

David Ortiz has been horrific this season. His current line of .185/.284/.287 isn’t just bad; it’s not worthy of being in a MLB lineup, let alone the DH spot. (I remember him going late in my fantasy draft and some calling it a steal. Ha.) The explanation some have come up with for his fall from grace? He’s off steroids now! Which, in this day and age, is the easy, kneejerk reaction. But even if David Ortiz is off steroids, that doesn’t account for this sort of a drop in his numbers. These are catastrophic drops, not a tapering of home runs levels to a more normal, pre-steroid age count.

Today, Bill Simmons — of course it’s Simmons — runs this theory by us:

How many Latin players have been exposed for lying about their ages in the past few years? Hell, one of Papi’s best friends — Tejada — was found to have cut two years off his birth certificate when he was 17, er, 19 … you get the point. Watching Papi flounder now, I’d believe he’s really 36 or 37 (not 33) before I’d believe PEDs are responsible. In a recent game in Minnesota, he couldn’t catch up to an 89 mph fastball. Repeat: 89 mph!

That’s what happens to beefy sluggers on their way out: Their knees go, they stiffen up, bat speed slows and, in the blink of an eye, they’re done. Beefy sluggers are like porn stars, wrestlers, NBA centers and trophy wives: When it goes, it goes. You know right away.

So that’s my theory. I think he’s old(er).

This makes a bit more sense than the hooting and hollering from the PED crowd. But my theory? It’s a combination of the two. David Ortiz is older than 33, and some of the large numbers he put up during his reign in Boston — 54 homers in 2006, for instance — were likely the result of some PEDing.

And now David Ortiz will homer in 50 straight games, disproving all of our silly theories.