For all our (sports fans’) complaints about announcing, we often blow things out of proportion. Sure, Brian Baldinger is a meathead, but he’s not THAT bad. Sure, Emmitt Smith can’t string a subject and a verb, but he’s harmless. Sure, Joe Morgan’s an dolt, but Sunday Night Baseball is still pretty enjoyable, all things considered.

But there was once a man who deserved every heap of scorn sent his way, a man so bad at his temporary broadcasting gig that he actively drove fans away from sports’ exciting event. This man was Marcelo Balboa. This man succeeded where so many European terrorists failed: he ruined World Cup 2006.

And today, he’s back. When Mexico plays the U.S. at 3 p.m., fans have two televised options. They can watch the game in Spanish on Telemundo. Or they can watch an English-spoken broadcast on Mun2 that will feature, you guessed it, Marcelo Balboa, licensed pundit.

In other words, English-language fans have a choice: Watch the game in Spanish and understand nothing but the word “GOL!” Or watch it in English and understand nothing. One is still greater than zero. You win, Telemundo.

So, you’re doing a stand-up outside the United Center, and you flub up. Hey, it happens. No human is perfect at their job. But, you also say a NSFW word after you mess up which goes live on the air. And then you make the Internet.

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

Saw this last night on Digg, but Total Pro Sports has jumped on it as well.

NFL coaching legend, broadcasting legend, and poultry portmanteau enthusiast John Madden announced his retirement today.

This is the cover of John Madden’s 1985 memoir, Hey, Wait a Minute (I wrote a book!). The cover photographer managed to catch John Madden at the exact instant that Madden realized that he had, in fact, written a book. That’s always amazed me.

Everything else about Madden is similarly kismet-touched. Apart from being unintelligible or elementary at times in the broadcast booth, he has done no wrong. He’s among the very most notable and well-known figures in modern America. Most others that belong to this elite class meet controversy, and are usually resented by the public at some point or another. Not John Madden.

I mean, sure, we’ve all had our patience tested by Madden’s on-air meandering of logic and his painfully obtuse observations. Most of his analysis subscribed to the “call a spade a spade” school of broadcasting, though I’m not using that colloquialism in the way it’s normally used. Madden would look at something and say what it was. For three hours. Yes, Madden, they are trying to get a first down. Yes, sir, they would like it if they could score a touchdown. Hmm, yes, come to think of it, John, that was a forward pass.

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Last week, Iowa radio broadcaster Ed Podolak — someone I hadn’t heard of until this mess, but someone who, I am assured, is relatively beloved around Iowa — got in a little trouble over photos of him drinking, carousing, and peering down a grown woman’s shirt. Pretty standard “drunk on Saturday” stuff — except, of course, to college administrators, a distinctly joyless breed of people who believe alcoholism is the sole reason people don’t show up to their intro Finite Math lectures at 9 a.m. Those people are pissed. Now Podolak is dunzo. It’s officially being called a retirement, but it’s pretty obvious the man was canned.

How did the photos originate? First, they were taken by an Iowa State fan. Second, they were posted on the Wizard of Odds, “The College Football Site For Winners.” (Tremendous blog tagline, by the way.) Third, they spread, like all things do, about the Internet, and before you know it, Podolak was a minor sports blog figure. Fancy that.

Of course, the Wizard of Odds’ choice to post those photos in the first place is basically what got Podolak fired. So does “the Wiz” feel bad? Apparently not, and mgoblog’s Brian Cook lays the smack down:

By the way: I’d like to personally congratulate Jay Christensen of The Wizard of Odds, by the way, for posting these photos in a bid for cheap hits and costing a guy even Iowa State fans think is pretty awesome his job. Good work there. You’ve contributed greatly to the national discourse of college football with this. Love the utter lack of remorse in the follow up.

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Yesterday, mine eyes were directed to this dandy bit of pixelated news:

Len Kasper was a relative unknown when he replaced Chip Caray as the TV voice of the Cubs before the 2005 season. But it didn’t take long for Kasper to make a name for himself, and the Cubs rewarded him Thursday with a three-year contract extension through 2011. “Len has emerged as an industry star,” Cubs Senior Vice President Mike Lufrano said. “And we’re excited about having him and Bob Brenly in the Cubs broadcast booth for years to come.”

It’s true: When Kasper was announced as the replacement to Chip Caray, I’d say most were pretty skeptical. Kasper previously did voice work in the baseball backwater that is Miami (a backwater that has two more World Series titles than the Cubs in the past century; sigh) and was rarely heard by anyone in Chicago. So I, like many Cubs fans, was a little worried. Who is this little dude with the slightly froggy voice? What does he know about the Cubs? What does he know about baseball, anyway?

In the years since, Kasper has proved himself to be one of the best broadcasters in the business. A self-described “fringe sabermatrician,” Kasper is informed and intelligent, but never strident about his numbers. He doesn’t rely on gimmicky calls or goofy, laughy antics, preferring to convey humor through sly exchanges with his capable partner, Bob Brenly. (With whom he also shares an intense musical interest.) He just calls a really calm, smart, enjoyable game of baseball. It’s a pleasure to listen to.

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According to Chris De Luca today, Mark Grace is a favorite for the Cubs announcing booth if Bob Brenly heads to Wrigley North to manage the Brewers. (He’s got a national gig with Fox; I suppose this makes sense.)

Here’s to hoping this follows through. Because Mark Grace might be my new favorite person in the whole world. (After Brad, of course.)

“They (bleeped) it up, honestly,” said Grace, who is covering the World Series as an analyst for Fox. “That’s twice now that this same group of players has gone out and played tight. … I mean, c’mon, dude, are you kidding me?

“They got swept by the Diamondbacks, and they got swept by the Dodgers. Just went out and played tight. Honestly, I was very disappointed in what I saw, especially this year.”

Keep in mind, Grace predicted near the end of the regular season the Cubs finally would reach the World Series.

“They were, in my opinion, by far the best team in the National League,” said Grace, a color analyst for the Diamondbacks. “And to get swept out, they really should be humiliated.”

No dude, I am not kidding you: they did “bleep” it up.

Tread lightly though, Mark: last time a Cubs TV announcer decided to voice a dissenting opinion, he was gone a few weeks later. Cubs fan deserve your sweet blue eyes for at least a season, no?

It’s hard to know how to feel about Ron Santo. I mean, the guy is a legend, and is one of the most genuine and likable Cubs fans (and former players) in the entire world. But his broadcasts are nearly unlistenable for reasons entirely outside his control. For example: His grasp of the English language is not tremendous. But that’s OK! He’s lovably daft.

Hawk Harrelson, on the other hand, is just daft. His willingness to complain incessantly about calls going against the White Sox — and his desire to constantly reuse tired broadcasting tics — make televised White Sox baseball an occasionally grating experience. He gone. Get on back. Someone shoot me in the face but not literally because that would be mean if I actually wrote that about an old dude in a cowboy hat. Stretch.

So, when you need some closure to your Chicago baseball season, who do you go to? Santo and Hawk, of course:

I’m hanging in there?” Santo said Wednesday. “What can I say?” “Cubs fans—and I will say it 100 times—believe in next year. And those are the really loyal Cubs fans. Because of this year’s expectations, they were disappointed, but nobody feels worse than the players. They just didn’t get it done. We will be there next year, and we’ll be just as good. I feel very strongly about that.”

“We just got beat by a better team,” Harrelson said. “If you want to give us [injured] Joe Crede and Carlos Quentin and Jose Contreras, we’re as good as anybody. I’m proud of our club.

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