So, you guys remember the 1990’s right? You were like 13, and after expressing interest in golf, your mom bought you a starter set of golf clubs (because it was the 1990’s and everyone was buying needless crap with money they didn’t have, I don’t think this is an unusual scenario). And because you had no idea how to play golf, your mom got you a few lessons with an old female golf pro. And every time you went to these lessons, she would give you some great pointers, pointers which serve your incredibly limited golf game to this day, and you would pretend to care about feet position and grip but then when she turned her back you teed one up and stepped back and lunged and swung, just like Happy Gilmore? Come on, you guys did this, right?

Well, golf pro lady got mad at me for that. I’d say that if Happy Gilmore could do it, I could do it too. Golf pro lady told me I’d never be a real golfer if all I did was screw around all the time. Well guess what, golf pro lady? YOU WERE WRONG AND I WAS RIGHT:

The video’s long, but basically, Padraig Harrington crushes the ball about 30 yards longer with a Gilmore-esque windup than from his set stance. Of course, his accuracy suffers.

Still, this video is proof. I love what Happy Gilmore is doing for golf. I’m starting to come around. Everyone’s starting to — “Well, I’M NOT, DOUG!”

God I could quote that movie all day. Let’s just move on.

Once during a junior varsity basketball game in high school, I stole the ball. Awesome, huh? Yeah, then I started dribbling down the court at full speed and bounced the ball off my knee and into the cheerleaders. Then I ran into the bathroom and vomited. (I swear to God this is true. How else do you think I ended up blogging?) Naturally, my coach yelled at me, calling me names that would make Ozzie Guillen cringe.

It occurred to me today – after reminiscing over that story – that maybe having Ashton Kutcher as a high school football coach wouldn’t be that bad. OK, actually it would be amazing. Which got the retired high school athletic superstars at MPSB thinking … who else would we like to have as our high school coach?

Take a gander at our list after the jump.

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