Here’s the thing about jail, or at least the way we perceive it: Because people go there so frequently, and because some people go there for such an incredibly long time, it’s easy to gloss over the fact that spending even one night in jail can be a hellish experience. I’ve done this once. In a college town. I stayed strong until an old, toothless man walked over to me while I was urinating and stared. Said nothing. Just stared. I almost started crying.

Plaxico Burress is in Rikers Island! For two effing years! He’s doing hellish night after hellish night for 730 consecutive days! And he’s a celebrity! It’s almost incomprehensible to me, how much this would suck. But I got a little bit of a reminder this morning, thanks to the New York Post:

Plaxico Burress got a zero’s welcome behind bars at Rikers Island, including taunts of “a - - hole!” and “The Giants suck!” according to jail guards.

“He was depressed,” said one guard from Rikers, where the former Giants superstar spent his first-ever night behind bars. “He was trying to keep to himself, but everyone was yelling at him.”

“These people got nothing,” a second guard explained of the taunts. “What else are they gonna do?”

Well, they’re supposed to be focusing on how they’ll become rehabilitated and productive members of society. You mean at the end of The Shawshank Redemption Morgan Freeman wasn’t being sarcastic? This changes everything.

Anyway, the moral of this blog is: I feel genuinely horrible for Plaxico Burress. Jesus. The poor bastard.

HT:SbB

Yesterday, our own Jon Bois wrote a rather convincing blog post on Plaxico Burress’ two-year prison sentence. Here’s a snippet:

I’m pretty neutral on Plaxico Burress as a person and as a player, but everyone else is as angry over this as I am, right? Dude accidentally shot himself. There was no ill intent. Nobody else was hurt. And he’s slapped with a “attempted criminal possession of a weapon” and sent to prison. The logic, apparently, is that he should have acquired a gun license prior to shooting himself. But no, he was negligent with his paperwork, and Mayor Bloomberg says it would be an “outrage” if he didn’t go to jail for it.

This was the common line from a lot of people yesterday. Others, including myself, also connected the dots to Donte Stallworth. Stallworth plead guilty to DUI manslaughter and served only 24 days in jail. He ran over a man with his Bentley while he was over the legal limit and killed him. Plaxico accidentally shot his gun in a club and injured only himself, and is going to jail for two years? Where is the sense in that? How does that work?

Yet, I wondered if it had to do with where these incidents happened, and what the penalties are for each. Stallworth was in Florida. Burress was in New York. As Lisa Olsen craftily writes today at FanHouse, the punishment fits the crime for Burress, while Stallworth was able to work the Florida legal system in his favor:

Keep reading →

Here’s a story that’s almost as absurd as it is sad: Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who accidentally shot himself in the leg last November, was handed a two-year prison sentence today. This is his lawyer’s reaction:

This was not an intentional criminal act. In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment.

If I were his lawyer I’d be screaming into a bullhorn like a crazy man. I’m pretty neutral on Plaxico Burress as a person and as a player, but everyone else is as angry over this as I am, right? Dude accidentally shot himself. There was no ill intent. Nobody else was hurt. And he’s slapped with a “attempted criminal possession of a weapon” and sent to prison. The logic, apparently, is that he should have acquired a gun license prior to shooting himself. But no, he was negligent with his paperwork, and Mayor Bloomberg says it would be an “outrage” if he didn’t go to jail for it.

District Attorney Robert Morgenthau insisted upon a two-year term for Burress. Maybe he was trying to make a career case, or maybe he really did believe that Burress deserved it (unlikely). In either case, it’s completely unjustifiable. Are we sending him to prison because he’s a danger to society, or as punishment, or as a rehabilitative measure? Or are we simply following the letter of the law because we have to (even though the court system proves time and time again that we don’t)?

Burress will be out by the time he’s 34, so maybe his career isn’t over. Suddenly and unexpectedly, I’m a big fan of his.

Via Shutdown Corner, the Chicago Tribune reports the Bears, or at least Jay Cutler, are interested in acquiring the services of one Plaxico Burress. Hey, maybe they should give him a “shot.” Hey, maybe the Bears should adopt the “run and shoot” offense. Hey, Plaxico had better watch out, because Cutler can really “gun” it. Hey, Burress’ off-the-field issues could lead to some “blowback.” Hey, I heard that Plaxico Burress “shot himself in the leg.” Hey, “gun gun gun gun gun.”

This danger — the danger of Chicago suffering an epidemic of media fixation on mediocre Plaxico-Burress-shot-himself jokes — is one reason not to sign Burress. Another reason is that Burress is a gamble. He’s capable of being very productive, but given that he’s facing possible prison time, and given that he’s arguably a negative locker room presence, he’s a risk. The Bears now have Jay Cutler at quarterback; what he needs is a solid presence in the receiving corps.

So how about free agent Amani Toomer? He’s not the wide receiver that Burress is, and he’s a few years older, but he’s statistically consistent and a far safer bet. He’s good enough to shake the occasional defender and put himself in Cutler’s line of sight. Granted, he’s probably the more expensive option — his 2008 salary was a little higher than Burress’, and Burress would likely sign at a discount — but again, Cutler’s in town. There’s no pressing need for the Bears to gamble on a playmaker.

Best of all, rather than “self-inflicted gunshot wound” jokes, the city of Chicago can bask in the warm glow of Kindergarten Cop jokes. “IT IS NOT A TOOMER,”  etc., etc.

You couldn’t blame New York Giants fans for being upset right now. They did just lose to division rival Philly in a game that was supposed to be a stepping stone/propeller for another Super Bowl run. Instead, they’re going home, wondering if Eli Manning is good or not (I’ve been saying “no” for some time now, SB win aside.) But, really, that still doesn’t excuse taking all their anger out on innocent cars (some NSFW language here, be warned):

Now, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t represent all New York Giants fans, even if it does feed into the stereotype of meatheady New Yorkers. Oh, and it also should remind everyone to take a cab next time you head to the city. Or just not ever attend a football game.

First spotted at The 700 Level.

Every morning, after I brush my teeth and put some pants on, I sit down at the computer and do a YouTube search for “plaxico burress dumb.” Well, today was my lucky day, because I found this haunting re-enactment of Burress’ accidental self-shooting. He’s all right, folks! Time for the privileged college kids of the world to take him to task!

A few things that we are to understand after watching this video: 1. The club in which Plaxico Burress was hanging out looks like a Purdue dorm room. 2. He was hanging out with the RZA, who apparently is just a skinny white kid, and the GZA, who apparently is a white kid in a Suns jersey. 3. Is that a Collective Soul poster? 4. The segment from 0:23 onward is something you cannot unsee.

Not that I’m entirely privy to Paul Tagliabue NFL commissioner’s reign, but it’s pretty clear Roger Goodell has come in and laid down the motherflippin’ law since he took over in 2006. I sometimes like to imagine everyone in the NFL having that really cool older English teacher who wear jeans with his ties and played guitar, and then that dude retired and they got some 40-year-old woman who wears her hair back, got left at the altar when she was 24 and now exclusively teaches Wuthering Heights to her students. (And by “sometimes like to imagine” I mean “right now as I write this post.”)

This woman would also not allow her students to wear “Harris Smith” jerseys, (Plaxico Burress’ supposed fake name he used at the hospital) just like the NFL shop is not letting people customize jerseys to that name either.

This comes from NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy who sent a statement over to Central Main Sports.

There are a number of jerseys that fans may not order online, including the ones you cite below (Michael Vick, Harris Smith, Ron Mexico, Lawrence Phillips). Those names are blocked immediately by a computer program which (unfortunately) is not all inclusive and may miss names from time to time. So a fan could type in names on the screen which would make it appear that he/she could purchase it. However, if a fan followed through with an order and attempted to purchase the jersey of a player like you named, we would catch it manually and would not make the jersey or ship the order. The fan would receive a notice that the order would not be fulfilled. Bottom line, you would not be shipped a jersey with the names you cited (Rae Carruth, Art Schlichter, OJ Simpson).

Pssh. Just make the jersey yourself. You’ll spend less money and feel better that you’ve accomplished something. Actually, just have your mom sew it. Yeah: Do that.

Photo via.