My fascination with Nintendo’s RBI Baseball is well-documented, and I’m relieved to discover that I am not the most obsessed fan of the old-school video game with fat players and no infield fly rule. Presenting RBI Baseball Editor, a site that allows you to modify the game’s rosters, statistics, team colors, etc., and download it so you can play it. In addition, it lets you upload it to the site for other people to play.

I checked some other users’ modified games. And my God, I feel like I have delved into the very heart of irrelevance.

There are three in particular that I want to show you. First up, here’s a mod titled, “Undead.”

In case you’re wondering, that’s Kurt Cobain taking a conservative lead off first. The pitching rotation consists of Elvis, Dimebag Darrell, Sid Vicious and Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

The most unsettling mod of the bunch is certainly “CatholicChannel.” One of the teams is made up of the hosts of radio’s “The Catholic Channel.” Pictured left: Father Dave Dwyer. Pictured right: Father Dwyer connects off Dwight Gooden for a double in the gap.

Do you understand? SOMEONE HACKED A 20-YEAR-OLD BASEBALL GAME SO THEY COULD ADD PERSONALITIES FROM A CATHOLIC RADIO NETWORK

SOMEONE ACTUALLY SPENT HOURS AND HOURS DOING THIS

OH MY GOD

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Screw the Olympics! In 2010, the fair city of Chicago will host the sixth-ever RBI Baseball Championship of the Universe tournament. Sixteen noble competitors will gather at the Hilton Garden Inn near O’Hare, huddle around an old-school Nintendo, and play the original RBI Baseball. The winner will be christened the Champion of the Universe. Get excited, motherf*****.

In case you’re under the impression that this tournament is some sort of fly-by-night operation, know that the rules and regulations are impressively stringent:

Any action on your part causing the Nintendo Entertainment System to reset - Results in a forfeit of that game.
…If a timeout is called by the second player and player one pitches a strike - Two balls must be pitched after the timeout is called or penalty to be decided by the supervisor if the pitched strike ends the inning or the game.
…Physical beatings will not be tolerated - Results in an ejection from the tournament.
…Cheat sheets or RBI rosters may not be used while playing the game or during a timeout.  We reserve the right to confiscate them if you are caught doing so.
…We cannot be held responsible for any injuries or emotional trauma due to the tournament.

The “no physical beatings” rule calls to mind that scene from The Big Lebowski, in which the bowling tournament supervisor advises The Dude that brandishing a handgun is against league rules. I’d die happy if I could learn of the incident that made this rule a necessity.

The registration fee is $100, all of which will go to cash prizes for the winners. Registration opens June 19 of next year, and the tournament itself will be held on June 20, 2010. Start training now.

Is it bad if I’m seriously considering entering myself?

By now, you have likely read this observation that every player featured in the original R.B.I. Baseball (having to punctuate “RBI” like that really irks me, for the record) is retired, whether officially or unofficially.  Now that Yankees Stadium is shuttered and Shea Stadium is about to be, I think it’s worthwhile to take a look at the stadiums still standing from the year the classic Nintendo game was released (1988). A quick list:

- Fenway Park
- Wrigley Field
- Dodger Stadium
- Angel Stadium of Anaheim (then Anaheim Stadium)
- Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum
- Kauffman Stadium (then Royals Stadium)
- Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome

And … that’s it. Only seven teams will use the same park in 2009 as they did in 1988. It should be noted that distinct stadiums were not actually featured in the game, but nonetheless, it’s a fascinating indicator of the premium that has been placed on new ballparks since then. These are stadiums we’re talking about.  Enormous structures that take years of work and hundreds of millions of dollars to build.  Massive constructions of metal and concrete that, given our post-millennial architectural advances, could survive for centuries for far less money than it would require to build a new one every forty years.

In contrast, baseball players are small, relatively fragile, and comprised of countless moving parts that are susceptible to breakdown.  And yet, most baseball players outlive the stadiums they play in.

I’ve argued down this road before, so on to other important business: what in the world is with this “infield fly rule?”  In the good old days of R.B.I. Baseball, one could allow a pop fly to bounce in front of his shortstop and record an easy double play.  Baseball has lost its cheap and opportunistic soul.