And don’t we all!? Am I right?! Who’s with me?!

Ahem.

Anyway, yes: Mark McGwire’s steroid admission earlier this week brought out a lot of Serious Talk that wasn’t much fun for anyone. But Mark Grace? Mark Grace has brought a smile to our steroid-bludgeoned brains today.

Speaking on the Dan Patrick Show today, Grace says he never took steroids because he wanted to keep getting his FREAK ON, BRO.

“I am a single guy now and I was a single guy then and I like my sex life,” Grace said. “I want to be able to perform. It’s kinda funny but it’s not. That stuff will tear you up as far as your manhood’s concerned.”

It is kinda funny, Mark. But you’re right. It’s also not funny. Steroids can apparently make your balls small or something.

Maybe this is the sole lesson we should be teaching high-school kids these days about the dangers of steroids? Screw the long list of side effects such as liver damage or baldness, or the two-hour long seminars.

Let’s just cut right to the chase: “That stuff will tear you up as far as your manhood’s concerned.” That’s all we need.

If that doesn’t scare the kids off the bat, nothing will.

Bronson Arroyo, of course, is best known as a rock and roll legend who sings about take-and-bake beef hoagies. But did you also know that he’s a baseball player? Well, he is! He was teammates with David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez when they failed the famous drug tests back in 2003, and when the news broke, he admitted that he himself used performance-enhancing drugs prior to 2004. Sources can’t confirm this, but it’s likely that he stuck out his tongue and mimed a nonspecific guitar riff immediately after doing so.

He’s not done “riffing” (that is an obscure and hilarious guitar reference). In an interview with USA Today, Arroyo volunteers that he still takes unapproved supplements

“I have a lot of guys in (the locker room) who think I’m out of (my) mind because I’m taking a lot of things not on the (MLB-approved) list,” Arroyo says. “I take 10 to 12 different things a day, and on the days I pitch, there’s four more things. There’s a caffeine drink I take from a company that (former teammate) Curt Schilling introduced me to in ‘05. I take some Korean ginseng and a few other proteins out there that are not certified. But I haven’t failed any tests, so I figured I’m good.”

With this quote, Arroyo hasn’t quite become the active player’s answer to Jose Canseco, but he’s just about the only guy on a major league roster to talk this way. It’s almost as though he doesn’t give a–

“People can think what they want of me,” he says. “I don’t give a f—-.”

Keep reading →

Florida Marlins outfielder Ra … whoops let me start again. Miami Dolphins receiver Ra .. whoa, still got that wrong.

Ahem.

Orlando Magic All-Star forward Rashard Lewis has been suspended 10 games for testing positive for a steroid. Yes, I know, the NBA! No one ever takes this kind of stuff there, right? Riiiigghhtt.

The Orlando Sentinel has the deets:

According to league sources, Lewis was taking nutritional supplements at the end of last season that unknowing to him contained a substance commonly known as DHEA (Dehydroepiandrosterone) — a chemical compound made naturally in the body but also found in numerous over-the-counter supplements at nutritional stores. The substance is banned by most sports leagues, including the NBA.

Lewis got out ahead of this one, and quickly issued a statement saying he took an over-the-counter supplement he didn’t know had this banned substance in it. Fair enough. I’m not in his mind, I’m not in his camp. I don’t know the true story. Could be an honest mistake. Either way, whether knowingly or unknowingly, he’s tested positive.

This puts Lewis in elite company with Lindsey Hunter, who tested positive for a banned substance in 2007. He claimed he accidentally took one of his wife’s diet pills.

And Lindsey Hunter certainly is to be believed. Just look at this man. He’s too cute to do anything wrong.

Hank Aaron is apparently not much of a legal scholar. This is his suggestion:

“I wish for once and forever that we could come out and say we have 100 and some names, name them all and get it over and let baseball go on,” Aaron said. “I don’t know how they keep leaking out. I just wish that they would name them all and get it over with.”

Hank Aaron is not the only person who thinks this. He is but one of many. But he is also Bud Selig’s friend, and his relationship with Selig is such that Bud pretty much listens to everything Aaron says. This is why it was such a big deal when Aaron publicly supported Pete Rose’s decades-long Hall of Fame odyssey. When other people say it, it doesn’t matter. When Hank Aaron talks, Bud Selig listens.

The difference between this and the Pete Rose thing is simple: this is a legal issue that dwarfs baseball’s authority, and the Hall of Fame is not. That’s fortunate, actually, because releasing all of the names is illegal. It’s kind of hard to stress that enough. Without a court order, the 100 names still remaining from 2003’s list remains confidential. What’s more, it’s wrong: Players were told they’d be tested anonymously. Because a few names have leaked, and because certain segments of the public want blood, we’re supposed to go back on that promise?

As usual, Craig Calcaterra — who unlike Hank Aaron actually is a lawyer — sums it up quite nicely:

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Whenever there is a baseball performance-enhancing drug user revelation, you can count on some quotes from Jose Canseco. Last time around, he staged an embarrassing press conference. But this time after David Ortiz was named yesterday? He’s back with the only reason we ever give him an ounce of respect, he gives us names. We love the names. Feed off the names. We don’t care what they took. We just want the names, and we want them now. Speaking to Pedro Gomez yesterday, Canseco said this:

“When you tell me something I didn’t already know, I’ll be surprised,” Canseco told ESPN. “And I’ll tell you this, Major League Baseball is going to have a big, big problem on their hands when they find out they have a Hall of Famer who’s used.”

When asked to name who that Hall of Fame player is, Canseco refused to divulge who he believes it is.

OK, so that’s not a name. But, there’s no denying he’s been incredibly truthful when it comes to MLB and PEDs. As much as people want to dismiss this rogue character, he’s been right so much, you have to take his word about this subject and believe. He’s given us no reason not to, really.

So, in that vain, Andrew over on our Sox blog — which I’m hoping one to seven of you read — listed out the HOF players Canseco has had as a teammate. Now, point to make before I get any further: neither he nor I are saying any of these guys took anything. We have zero evidence. There is no reason to believe any of these guys injected or swallowed something to enhance their performance on the field. Let me repeat: I am not insinuating any one of these fellas juiced.

That being said, and knowing Canseco’s track record on this stuff, onwards to the players via Baseball-Reference:

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The cold, hard fact of contemporary baseball, which has been driven home yet again today, is that everyone except for Albert Pujols is on steroids. News broke this morning that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003.

Manny’s reported performance-enhancing drug use isn’t news, but Ortiz’s is, even in spite of the rumors that have swirled around him over the last couple of years. Most big-name PED users, prior to being discovered, have preferred to stay as far away from the issue as possible. Some have conceded and toe the “steroids are bad” line. But few have taken the Frank Thomas route and crusaded against PED use. David Ortiz was one of these guys. From the Boston Globe, May 4, 2004:

“Me and Manny, we talked to [Dominican prospects]. We let them know the best way was to work your butt off. I told them [steroids], that’s not where they want to be at.”

…’I just worked hard, tried to eat the best I could, work at the gym, follow the program everybody wanted to teach me. That’s it. Why can’t they do it the same way?”

Maybe David Ortiz is a self-righteous hypocrite. Or maybe he used steroids unwittingly. Which brings me to a point I’d like to make. From the Globe, May 12, 2007:

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So yesterday I wrote briefly about Bill James’s hyperintelligent futurist essay about how one day all of your grandkids or great-grandkids will be taking steroids because it won’t be such a big deal to them morally in the year 2050, or whatever. It all rang true. But did you know — this is where my broadcast voice would rise into creepy-scary-mode — that your grandkids might already BE taking steroids! And they didn’t even KNOW IT? Cue dramatic music!

From the New York Times:

Two over-the-counter dietary supplements that anti-doping officials say are popular among high school football players contain steroids, according to court papers filed by federal authorities on Thursday. The supplements, Tren Xtreme and Mass Xtreme, are manufactured by American Cellular Labs and marketed as a “potent legal alternative to” steroids. But authorities alleged in search warrants executed on Thursday that the supplements contain illegal man-made steroids, also known as designer steroids. One of the substances is Madol, which was first identified six years ago during the investigation into the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative.

I am absolutely shocked — shocked — that something you could buy over the counter at GNC as a “potent legal alternative” to steroids actually has steroids in it. What is this world coming to? What’s next? Red Bull being bad for you?! Pshh. Yeah right.