Everyone knows T.J. Simers’s schtick: Go to a locker room, say some rude things to a player, hope that player defends his or her dignity the way any normal human would, record said player’s thoughts, write column calling that player “fat” or a “crybaby” or any of the other names usually associated with rich people we don’t like. Hissss, talented, wealthy athletes! Hisss! Anyway, Simers couldn’t be more transparent if he tried.

Then again, today’s column ripping Philadelphia — ripping its fans, its architecture, its team, its manager; only “It’s Always Sunny” is spared — is about as blatant an attempt to gin up rivalry and controversy and page views that I’ve ever seen. Anywhere. And that includes Mariotti.

A few snippets:

ANGRYVILLE — You spend any time in this dingy city and around these folks, and pit bulls running wild come to mind. Fine when leashed, but set them free, put a beer in their grubby paws and it’s only a matter of time before they’re going to go on the attack — both the home team and its opponent feeling the bite.

It’s an angry place, all right, everything old here in Philadelphia, crumbling and in ruin. Even the city’s main attraction has a crack in it.

Those are just the first two graphs! Reference to Philadelphia fans being rude and evil people — check. Oh-so-funny dateline — check. “Anger” — check. Reference to the Liberty Bell, an effing national cultural treasure, being cracked as if this is somehow a bad thing — wait. Holy s–t. Did he really just do that? Let me … yep, it’s there. Check. That Simers didn’t write “Rocky sucks!!!11″ is a stunning achievement in restraint.

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