I was with my mother last weekend, and she said the same thing to me my dad has said numerous times: “Eamonn, the comments on the stories you write (especially at Yahoo! and NBC) — they’re just so angry stupid! Who are these people?” And I say the same thing I always say: Mom (or Dad), people on the Internet are occasionally stupid. When the post has a lot of comments, the level of stupidity rises. Just don’t read them.

That’s probably the best strategy. But I also kind of like Chris Cooley’s. His is to call out the various morons who actually took offense — took offense! — to the all-in-good-fun video he did about Cowboys tight end Jason Witten. I wasn’t aware such people existed, but apparently they do, and I really shouldn’t be surprised:

If you don’t like the content on our website, simply don’t read it. Calling me a douche and an idiot does not hurt my feelings and neither do fabricated stories. All you do when you comment garbage is offend normal fans and readers. And seriously, the videos are just for fun. I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feeling or improve my on field image. If you watched the video then take it with a grain of salt, maybe even laugh. All I’m trying to do is provide people with a couple minutes of entertainment. Believe it or not, Wit Dog and I are actually friends. I’m sure he was not offended.

See, Internet? Reason can win the day. Or maybe THIS IS THE DUMBEST ARTICLE I’VE EVER READ. WHY IS THIS NEWS?!!!!? YOU NOOBZ NEED 2 STFU B4 U GET PWNED BY WITDAWG AGAIN!

FIRST!

The NFL always releases the “Fantasy Files” commercials around this time, with various NFL’ers doing cr-cr-craaaaazy things on the football field. They are quite awesome. But not as awesome as the following video, featuring Chris and Tanner Cooley Colt Brennan playing the roles of Jason Witten and Tony Romo in a mock-up of a Fantasy Files commercial. Watch, enjoy and then we’ll discuss.

OK, so here’s the thing: this appears to be unprovoked, right? I mean, Witten and Romo are easy targets and it is Redskins-Cowboys, but still, totally unprovoked if I recall correctly.

Which is exactly what makes this so awesome — Cooley wants to ramp up the rivalry, but instead of just dogging Romo’s inability to lock up Jessica Simpson or hold onto the ball late in games, he simply ruled on the two Cowboys players for being rednecks and jealous of not having a fantasy files commercial. And he did it in a really, really, really funny way. Oh yeah, and he also created the hysterically awesome “J-Wit” nickname (although I think “J-Wizzle” would have been better). Just another +1000 Internet day in the life of Chris Cooley, really.

For football players, jumping out of a pool has become a meme. Jarron Gilbert kicked it off, and his successful attempt is nearing 2 million views on YouTube. Then came Dakota Royer, who jumped out of a four-foot pool, topping Gilbert’s three-foot attempt.

But Redskins rookie wide receiver Keith Eloi just upped the jumping-out-of-the-pool game again: he hopped out of a three-foot pool backwards.

Boom:

Next up? Someone jumps out of a 10-foot deep end, eats three slices of pizza in the air and then saves a little boy from drowning. I expect this around October.

HT: Mr. I/Skins Blog

The Washington Redskins made, by all accounts, a valiant effort to inquire about Jay Cutler from the Broncos. In the end, obviously, he ended up going to the Bears, but there’s nothing to say the Redskins didn’t think about offering the same package, except with Jason Campbell instead of Kyle Orton, of course.

And there’s where things get tricky — the Redskins overtures for Cutler were indeed public, and that cast a lot of light on the possibility that Campbell could be gone, putting him in roughly the same situation as Cutler. Of course, Campbell responded differently, pointing out that the NFL is a business and that sometimes, teams make trades. That doesn’t mean his feelings probably weren’t hurt.

But, according to the Redskins’ PR department, “it’s all good.” Well, that’s what the statement from Vinny Cerrato implies:

“We met with Jason today and had a candid discussion. We told Jason that when Jay Cutler became available we, like many other NFL teams, spoke with the Broncos. We are all on the same page and we are moving forward.”

Well, that couldn’t be less vague. See, “on the same page” doesn’t necessarily mean “friends” or “all cool and whatnot.” To me, it implies that Campbell needs to know two things. One, he’s not getting extended. And two, YES, they did try to trade you, just like the media reported.

Keep reading →

The saga of Jason Taylor and the Redskins is all out there, but here’s a quick primer: Taylor was released by the Redskins because team owner Daniel Snyder wanted to institute an offseason workout clause in Taylor’s contract. If Taylor made 75 percent of team workouts, he would receive a $500,000 bonus from the team. Taylor said no for two reasons: He doesn’t like the Redskins anyway, and he doesn’t want to be away from his family again starting in March. So the Redskins cut Taylor, and all that workout money, plus the $9 million he would have made in 2010, is gone.

My immediate reaction was: who cares? The man is rich enough. He probably doesn’t need $500,000, or even $9 million. But if you think about it a little bit longer than that, those are still huge numbers, and it’s downright foolish for Taylor to turn them down flat when the money is there, waiting to be taken.

Fortunately, it’s not just broke bloggers who feel this way. Chris Cooley — a very rich blogger/Redskins football player — gets it too:

For JT to reach his 75 percent requirement of the deal would have had to be hear for 39 days. Had he arrived and worked for the 39 days he would have been compensated $12,820 per day. That is unreal to me! Most people pay their own money to go to the gym, but almost 13 thousand dollars a day is a pretty good membership in the other direction. Again, I will not judge this decision and I have no idea what his bank account could possibly be, but that’s a s–t ton of money. As for my end of the off season, I will be required to make 42 days to reach my bonus. I again would receive a check grossing $100,000. This would pay me $2,300 per workout. Still pretty awesome and enough to get me into the gym.

Uh, yeah. I pay like $80 a month to go play basketball with a bunch of stoned college kids. I also briefly run on treadmills and pretend to lift weights. At that price, I can’t even get my lazy self to the gym more than three times a week. Daniel Snyder, hook me up. I could totally spot the team trainer or something.

By far my favorite part of these interviews is Chris Berman. There’s nothing to be learned from either candidate at this point — Obama wants a college playoff; McCain hates PEDs; yay — but there is something to be learned about Berman’s ability to adopt gravitas. What did I learn? He doesn’t do it very well.

What did you learn about yourself? What did sports teach you? Oh, for the love of God, Berman, ask them an actual question. You suck. Also, while we’re at it, I didn’t need you to tell me voting is my duty and my privilege. I know that already, numbnuts.

As for the rest of Monday Night Football’s political crossover, there’s good news for Obama fans today: Because the Redskins lost, this totally means he’s going to win the election. This makes perfect sense!

Pittsburgh beat Washington in the NFL on Monday for a dominant victory that US presidential candidate Barack Obama will see as a good omen. For all but one of the last 17 presidential ballots, since 1937, a Redskins victory has signaled a win for the party currently in power.

Keep reading →

Upon watching this here video of Redskin rookie Colt Brennan singing to the team during training camp, (filmed by the studly, dapper Antwaan Randle El) I had not a clue what song it was.

So then I had this awesome idea. I used this thing called the “Internet” and typed in a specific lyric he’s singing to “Google” and it told me the song is called “I Want To Make You Sweat” by UB40.

I thought the only song those guys ever did was “Red Red Wine.” Thank you, Mr. Brennan, for expanding my knowledge of moderately successful British reggae bands.

UPDATE: As astute commenter Krystle points out, Inner Circle — the peeps that sang “Bad Boys” — also did a version of this song called “Sweat (A La La La La Long).”

UPDATE 2: UB40 actually never recorded this song, despite the fact that 9,454,456 lyric sites attribute it them. After Michelle pointed this out in the comments, I crosschecked their discography and it checks out. The Internet lies, and I cry.