ESPN.com is reporting that Wisconsin linebacker Jonathan Casillas was handed a citation for riding his mo-ped [sic] while under the influence.

Wisconsin senior linebacker Jonathan Casillas was cited for drunken driving last month while riding a mo-ped [sic].

…

Casillas, 21, received three citations — first-offense drunken driving, driving with a prohibited alcohol concentration, and driving with two persons on a mo-ped [sic].

Obligatory insight, which I can probably fit into a haiku:

Football player puts
Himself and others in harm’s
Way.  That is no good!

Bing bang boom.  I couldn’t care less about it, really.  I’m too occupied with trying to figure out what in the world a “mo-ped” is.  It looks close, phonetically, to “moped,” but surely ESPN wouldn’t throw a hyphen into a word like that.  ESPN, after all, is a media monster so able and enormous that it wouldn’t make a mistake like that/cry foul at pernicious nitpicking.  Let’s try to figure out what exactly a “mo-ped” is.

What we know about a “mo-ped” from this article:

- It is a vehicle of some sort, presumably, since one can receive a DUI while operating it
- A linebacker is not too large to drive it
- It is apparently ill-advised for two persons to ride a “mo-ped” simultaneously

Now, to arrange these dinosaur bones into a monster. I deduce that a “mo-ped” is a giant, translucent sphere, rolling across the road on a series of ball bearings.  The operator of this vehicle provides propulsion energy by clapping his or her hands as vigorously as possible.

Wisconsin sure is a weird place.