There are many things about Wrigley Field that could stand some upgrading. Despite its charm and aura, the place is seriously outdated.

The Cubs are aware of this. They’re doing some fixes here and there to get areas of the park up to speed. Like the bathrooms, for instance. They’ll be undergoing renovations this offseason.

But the bathroom troughs? They’re here to stay, says the Trib (via NBC Chicago):

The Chicago Cubs will renovate the bathrooms at Wrigley Field this offseason, but a team spokesman has assured the Tribune that the treasured urinal troughs, long a part of the stadium’s lore, will remain.

Even as a Sox fan who is programmed to irrationally hate on all things Wrigley, I like this move. And I will tell you why: yeah, the troughs are a little weird, a little outdated, a little too close for comfort, but  if you have to pee, and pee bad, they are amazing. You rarely, if ever, have to wait. It’s great.

Modern urinals at stadiums lead to long lines. By refusing to make things new, the Cubs have actually made their male bathrooms more efficient.

And who can complain about that?

“Michael Jordan, baseball player,” is an idea that will never, ever make sense. You’ve had over 15 years to stew on it, but whenever you’re reminded that the greatest basketball player of all time ditched the sport in favor of a game that could not possibly be more different, you still laugh about it. I realize that “Isn’t it WEIRD that Michael Jordan played baseball?” is a pretty worn-out trope, but video of Jordan playing baseball is relatively rare.  Which is why this recently-uploaded video is such a treasure. Skip to about 5:50 to see him smack an RBI double at Wrigley Field against Dave Otto, who had a 3.80 ERA for the Cubs that year.

Not only is he playing baseball, he’s playing on the major-league White Sox against the Cubs (albeit in an exhibition game). He’s in the lineup with guys like Frank Thomas and Robin Ventura (the graphic at 4:10 is just surreal). And amazingly, he goes 2-for-5 with two RBI, the second of which tied the score. For the longest time, all I remembered about Jordan’s baseball career is that he played in the minors, bought his team a bus, hit .202, and quit. I didn’t remember him actually doing anything on the diamond.

So now that Sam Zell and his merry men at the Tribune Co. have agreed to terms with Tom Ricketts and his crew, all ownership will be ceded to Ricketts, right? This is how a sale works. Or maybe this isn’t how a sale works?!

*dramatic pause*

As it turns out, Zell is trying to pull a crafty little maneuver, one that seeks to get out of $300 million worth of taxes and has the Tribune still retaining part ownership. I had to read this Washington Post piece like three times to figure out what is going on here — TOO MANY NUMBERS, MAN — but I think I understand it now.

Some time before the sale, Zell changed the Tribune Co. from a standard C corporation to an S corporation to avoid taxes. BUT, if you sell assets — ie. the Cubs and Wrigley Field — within 10 years of such a move, you owe corporate gains taxes. But Zell doesn’t like taxes. He likes straight cash, homie.

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In recent years (2007, 2008) the Cubs were a good baseball team. They didn’t do anything in the playoffs — of course they didn’t! — but there were plenty of reasons for fans to show up in big numbers.

In 2006, they were 66-96, and there was every reason for fans to stay away from the park. But Wrigley Field still drew 3.1 million fans — good for sixth in the league. For a team 30 games under .500, that’s a pretty remarkable stat. And it feeds into why Tom Ricketts now sits on a cash cow. Yahoo! Sports has a huge breakdown on the Cubs’s financials, and get this: the $845 million Ricketts is spending might actually be less than the team is worth. Yeesh.

The money quote:

“It is pure genius from a marketing perspective, that we support a team that is bad,” said David Berri, a professor at Southern Utah University who specializes in sports economics. “It’s the only entertainment where, ‘We have failed, but we would still like you to pay us.’

“Imagine if you had a restaurant like that. We serve crappy food! That’s what’s so great about us!”

This is the type of environment the Cubs have set up: the “Lovable Losers” moniker actually helps them, any actual  winning is just icing in the cake. Cool! There’s no other team in baseball that can claim this. Is there any other team in American professional sports that can claim this?

Add in that Wrigley is often viewed as more of a party destination, a beautiful place to relax with a beer more than it is a place to seriously watch and root for the Cubbies, and that only serves to help gate revenue year in and year out.

It’s quite a setup they’ve got going on at Clark and Addison, eh?

Over time, veteran beer vendors develop their own signature quirks or gimmicks. Sometimes, apparently out of boredom, they decide to stress the wrong syllables when they yell. Some of them come up with a mildly amusing one-liner such as, “if you don’t drink all this beer, I will!” One beer vendor at Wrigley, though, has developed something of a reputation. He’s been given names such as “The Beer Ninja” and “Snapdragon.” His gimmick? He can pour a beer really quickly. In fact, he can pour a beer so quickly that you would not believe how quickly he can pour a beer. Observe:

This is one of a dozen or so YouTube videos of this guy doing the exact same thing. But in the cutthroat beer-vendor industry, the competition is stiff. There’s the guy at Busch Stadium who says his beer is “so good it makes you wanna slap your mama.” There’s the rigid pragmatist: “I’ve got two choices. Beer or no beer.” There’s the Camden Yards vendor who is really, really excited about his beer. The Blue Jays’ Rogers Centre is home to the guy with perhaps the creepiest sales pitch ever. It seems as though every stadium has its signature beer vendor.

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So, what was going on behind negotiation doors during the Cubs sale? Was it like the interrogation room scene in “The Dark Knight” with Sam Zell playing the role of the Joker and the Ricketts family as Batman? Did Sam Zell tell Tom Ricketts he’d “changed things forever” and then started maniacally laughing for no good reason at all? Did Ricketts talk in an insanely deep voice that was sort of distracting to the overall character of Batman and really kind of unnecessary? And where is Maggie Gyllenhaal during all this?

In my Cubs sale fantasy (and yes, I had those … didn’t you?), this is what happened. It’s the only way the sale could have dragged on for this long; Sam Zell just pretended to be the Joker for the hell of it.

However, the Chicago Tribune is reporting things contrary to my fantasy today. Apparently, the Ricketts family, the side that wasn’t really in a position of power considering Marc Utay’s group sneaked back in at the 11th hour to renegotiate terms with the Tribune Co., decided to give an ultimatum late last month: they wanted a deal done in a few weeks, or no deal would be done at all. They would walk. Oh snap, son.

Well, as we all know, they did not walk. A deal was struck within a few weeks, and now pending MLB owners’ and court approval, the team is the Rickettses.

Let this be a lesson to all negotiators out there: when you’re dealing with a company that needs to pay off mass debt and has filed for bankruptcy within the last year, threaten to walk if negotiations stall for a long period of time.

I guess the Rickettses had the power position all along. See, that’s totally why they were Batman in my scenario.

This happened late on Friday, so it’s old news by now, but yes, it’s true: The Rickettses signed a piece of paper in which they agreed to buy the Cubs for around $845 million, as well as own a 25 percent stake in Comcast SportsNet Chicago. And you thought it would never happen.

For one, Jim Hendry’s lingering questions about payroll will be answered, or at least he now has someone in which he can address these concerns. But, there are several other issues that Cubs fans will be seeking answers to now that Ricketts is on board, pending MLB owners’ and a court’s approval.

Over the weekend, Bob addressed this on our Cubs blog, Out of the Ivy. Here’s one:

What happens to Wrigley Field? The Cubs are in a unique position with Wrigley Field. It’s a cash cow that they can fill no matter what. But it’s an aging and perhaps dangerous facility that locks them into playing a ton of day games and limits their opportunity to generate new revenue streams. Furthermore, the training and practice facilities for players are not exactly top notch. And to change any of these things, he has to get powerful alderman Tom Tunney’s approval. Will he seek to rebuild Wrigley on its current grounds like they did with the bleachers? Or will he look to move the team elsewhere?

The pending sale did little to affect the Cubs’ performance this season, but as far as management is concerned, they’re likely all breathing a sigh of relief. Their new boss is very close to officially becoming their new boss.

Time to get to work, no strings attached.