I hate to be a pessimist, but let’s be honest: it’s all over but the crying. The Chicago Cubs are now nine games behind the St. Louis Cardinals in the NL Central “race” and seven and a half games behind the Colorado Rockies in the wild card “race.” I use quotation marks because clearly the race, for the Cubs, is over.

So what’s a season ticket holder to do? Only the most masochistic of Cubs fans (yes, I suppose that is redundant) could enjoy 38 more games of this mind-numbing mediocrity and visibly apparent apathy. If you’re lucky, you can sell about half of your remaining tickets to tourists looking to experience Wrigley Field for the first time, good baseball or not. That still leaves you with about 20 games. So if you can’t imagine actually watching roughly 60 more hours of 2009 Cubs baseball, here are a few other ways to pass the time at The Friendly Confines.

10. Keep score like they did in the old days. See how many times you can pencil in “6-4-3 DP” and notate the Cubs’ stranded base runners in the margins before your brain implodes.

9. Bring an inflatable beach ball for you and your fellow fans to send around the stands. Nothing beats the rush of adrenaline and excitement when, of all the people in the stadium, the beach ball comes to YOU and your fingertips touch the–Oops, that one’s for Dodger fans.

8. Bring several dozen posters with cleverly worded phrases that incorporate the letters WGN or CSN in them and block the patrons behind you with them at every chance possible. Might I suggest:

7. During the Seventh Inning Stretch, encourage those around you to replace the lyrics “if they don’t win it’s a shame” with “if they don’t win it’s the same” in peaceful protest to another year of disappointment.

6. Play “Spot The White Sox Fan.”  You know, the South Siders who “hate” the Cubs but can’t resist the siren song of America’s greatest ball park. Here’s a hint: the fans behind them will likely be straining to see over the massive chips on their shoulders.

5. Prop bets. For example: Guess how many lyrics the Seventh Inning Stretch singer will sing incorrectly. Guess the exact time the seagulls will descend on the field. Guess how many minutes into the game the first boos will begin.

4. Bring a friend and fake a wedding proposal. If nothing else, you should get a few free beers from fans in your section happy to be a part of your “special moment.”

3. Count the number of times Alfonso Soriano’s first step towards a fly ball is in the correct direction. You’ll only need one, maybe two fingers to count on for this activity.

2. Smuggle in a small video camera and record your own version of WGN’s “Budweiser FanCam.” Remember it’s not about quality, it’s about quantity. And don’t forget to give equal face time to brunettes, blonds and redheads. Gingers need love, too.

1. Drink. Heavily.