I hate to be a pessimist, but let’s be honest: it’s all over but the crying. The Chicago Cubs are now nine games behind the St. Louis Cardinals in the NL Central “race” and seven and a half games behind the Colorado Rockies in the wild card “race.” I use quotation marks because clearly the race, for the Cubs, is over.

So what’s a season ticket holder to do? Only the most masochistic of Cubs fans (yes, I suppose that is redundant) could enjoy 38 more games of this mind-numbing mediocrity and visibly apparent apathy. If you’re lucky, you can sell about half of your remaining tickets to tourists looking to experience Wrigley Field for the first time, good baseball or not. That still leaves you with about 20 games. So if you can’t imagine actually watching roughly 60 more hours of 2009 Cubs baseball, here are a few other ways to pass the time at The Friendly Confines.

10. Keep score like they did in the old days. See how many times you can pencil in “6-4-3 DP” and notate the Cubs’ stranded base runners in the margins before your brain implodes.

9. Bring an inflatable beach ball for you and your fellow fans to send around the stands. Nothing beats the rush of adrenaline and excitement when, of all the people in the stadium, the beach ball comes to YOU and your fingertips touch the–Oops, that one’s for Dodger fans.

8. Bring several dozen posters with cleverly worded phrases that incorporate the letters WGN or CSN in them and block the patrons behind you with them at every chance possible. Might I suggest:

7. During the Seventh Inning Stretch, encourage those around you to replace the lyrics “if they don’t win it’s a shame” with “if they don’t win it’s the same” in peaceful protest to another year of disappointment.

6. Play “Spot The White Sox Fan.”  You know, the South Siders who “hate” the Cubs but can’t resist the siren song of America’s greatest ball park. Here’s a hint: the fans behind them will likely be straining to see over the massive chips on their shoulders.

5. Prop bets. For example: Guess how many lyrics the Seventh Inning Stretch singer will sing incorrectly. Guess the exact time the seagulls will descend on the field. Guess how many minutes into the game the first boos will begin.

4. Bring a friend and fake a wedding proposal. If nothing else, you should get a few free beers from fans in your section happy to be a part of your “special moment.”

3. Count the number of times Alfonso Soriano’s first step towards a fly ball is in the correct direction. You’ll only need one, maybe two fingers to count on for this activity.

2. Smuggle in a small video camera and record your own version of WGN’s “Budweiser FanCam.” Remember it’s not about quality, it’s about quantity. And don’t forget to give equal face time to brunettes, blonds and redheads. Gingers need love, too.

1. Drink. Heavily.

As recently as August 6, the Chicago Cubs were atop the NL Central standings. Now, just 14 days and 12 games later, the Cubs are six games behind the St. Louis Cardinals and most people have all but written off the rest of their season.

I’ll admit, it’s been tough to stay positive lately. The Cubs are 4-9 in their last 13 games, just dropped two of three to the lowly San Diego Padres and things aren’t going to get any easier; today they head up the coast to Chavez Ravine for a four-game series with the NL West-leading Los Angeles Dodgers. As of this morning, Baseball Prospectus is giving the North Siders just a 12% chance to make the postseason. Radio stations, blogs and newspapers have gone from playoff watch to suicide watch, pointing fingers and placing blame for the team’s downfall well before the season is over.

Injuries, attitudes, slumps and Kevin Gregg have made this one of the most inconsistent (but consistently disappointing!) Cubs teams in years. But before we stash our Cubs’ gear in the closet and pull out our Bears and Blackhawks jerseys, let’s take an honest look at the situation. There are 44 regular season games remaining. In the past two weeks–just 12 games–the team went from first place to six back. If the North Siders go on a run and the Cardinals hit a rough patch, their positions in the standings could very well be reversed come early September. After their series with the Dodgers, five out of Cubs’ next six series are against the tragic Nationals, the pitiful Mets (twice!), the AAA Pirates and the inexplicably bad Reds. For the season, the Cubs have just two more series against teams above .500 (St. Louis and San Francisco) and one make-up game with the White Sox, (62-59).

Time and time again, the baseball gods have shown us how quickly teams can turn things around or play themselves right out of things. The talent on this Cubs club is too great to go softly into that good night. So while everyone else argues over who’s to blame for the team’s inevitable failure, I’ll turn a blind eye to the negatvity and continue hoping for that big run we’ve been waiting for all season. After all, blind faith is the North Sider’s way.

On the eve of August 1, the Chicago Cubs were just a half game back of the NL Central-leading St. Louis Cardinals and had posted a 7-3 record in their previous ten games. 18 days and 15 games later, the North Siders are six games back in the standings and have gone 3-7 in their last ten contests. We’re just over halfway through the month and things are starting to look dire for the lovable losers.

It’s been a tough month for everyone, but no one more so than closer Kevin Gregg. In eight appearances this August, Gregg has an ERA of 11.25. Last night in San Diego Gregg gave up an RBI double to let the Padres tie up the game then surrendered a three-run shot to rookie Kyle Blanks for the loss.

Because Cub fans are masochistic by nature, let’s take a closer look at Gregg’s performances in the month of August, shall we?

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*August 1 - Cubs 9, Marlins 8 – Ryan Theriot’s two-run double in the top of the ninth inning puts the Cubs up 8-5. Gregg, facing the Marlins for the first time since being traded from Florida to the Cubs in the offseason, takes the mound for the bottom of the ninth. After striking out the first two batters, Gregg works two strikes on the pinch-hitting Ronny Paulino but can’t finish him off; Paulino goes yard to make the score 8-6. Chris Coghlan and Nick Johnson both single and Emilio Bonifacio’s triple sends both runners home, tying the game at 8-8.

Of course, if you check the box score, Gregg earned the win, as Derrek Lee’s solo homer in the top of the 10th gave the North Siders a 9-8 victory. There’s an undeserved W if I’ve ever seen one.

*August 2 - Marlins 3, Cubs 2 - For the second straight day, Gregg appears to have forgotten which team he plays for. The Cubs closer stepped in for the save after Jake Fox’s solo shot in the top of the ninth put Chicago up 2-1.  With one out on the board, Gregg gets lit up by Dan Uggla and Cody Ross on back-to-back pitches. Two pitches, two homers, two blown saves in two straight days.

*August 5 – Reds 4, Cubs 0 – Lou Piniella sends Gregg in for some work in the bottom of the eighth with his team down 4-0. With the pressure off, Gregg pitches like a Major Leaguer, sitting down three straight batters for a hitless, scoreless eighth. Keep reading →

MOUTHPIECESPORTS.COM personality and Chicago Cubs correspondent Sarah Spain will be blogging from the press box at Wrigley Field all season long. CUBS 101: Sarah Spain’s Wrigley Ramblings, will keep fans up-to-date on Lou’s Crew as they try to go all the way 101 short years after their last World Series win.

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12:26pm - It’s a gorgeous day at Wrigley! The sun just slipped behind a cloud but it should be back out soon. The Cubs (23-23) are ready to avenge yesterday’s one-run loss to the Dodgers (34-15) and the bleachers are starting to fill. The magic number for the Cubs is four–they’ve scored four or more runs in each of their 23 victories this year, while they’ve plated three or fewer in 19 of their 23 losses.

12:30pm - It’ll be Ted Lilly of the Cubs (5-4, 3.77 ERA) facing the Dodgers’ Chad Billingsley (6-2, 2.82 ERA) in this second game of the four-game series. Both pitchers will be where they’ve been most effective; Lilly is 3-1 with a 1.29 ERA at Wrigley this year, while Billingsley is 2-0 with a 1.63 ERA on the road.

In honor of Theodore Roosevelt Lilly’s presidential moniker, each time a Dodger strikes out, Lilly will get the Presidential Seal of Approval:

Each time the Cubs score a run, they’ll get the Official Seal of Awesomeness:

And for every defensive gem, the Cubs will get the Seal Seal of Approval:

‘Cause let’s be honest, no one plays “D” better than Seal–he’s got my #1 gal (if I played for the other team) Heid Klum on lockdown. Keep reading →

MOUTHPIECESPORTS.COM personality and Chicago Cubs correspondent Sarah Spain will be blogging from the press box at Wrigley Field all season long. CUBS 101: Sarah Spain’s Wrigley Ramblings, will keep fans up-to-date on Lou’s Crew as they try to go all the way 101 short years after their last World Series win.

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12:27pm - Lots of moves made today by the Cubs. Bobby Scales and Neal Cotts have been sent back down and Aaron Miles has been placed on the DL with a lingering shoulder injury. Those guys make room for hot-hitting Jake Fox, infielder Andres Blanco and lefty reliever Jason Waddell. Blanco will get the start at second base today, while Waddell and Fox will be available off the bench. Fans have been itching to see Fox get a shot in the bigs, but his questionable fielding skills had delayed his call-up. Looks like Lou’s just about had enough of the club’s slumping bats and he’s ready to see what Fox can add to the line-up. Fox’s numbers in the Pacific League are literally mind-blowing: 40 R, 17 HR, 50 RBIs, .423 AVG, .503 OBP, .886 SLG. Fox leads the league in average, home runs and RBI.

12:33pm - In honor of Jake’s arrival, today will be the “Foxy Edition” of CUBS 101. Each time a Pirates batter strikes out everyone’s favorite bad girl, Megan Fox, will appear. ‘Cause let’s be honest–ain’t a one of you out there that wouldn’t strike out with her.

Each time the Cubs get a run, my other favorite Fox will pop up.

Keep reading →

MOUTHPIECESPORTS.COM personality and Chicago Cubs correspondent Sarah Spain will be blogging from the press box at Wrigley Field all season long. CUBS 101: Sarah Spain’s Wrigley Ramblings, will keep fans up-to-date on Lou’s Crew as they try to go all the way 101 short years after their last World Series win.

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5:45pm - The Chicago Cubs will try to halt their eight-game losing streak tonight when they host the Pittsburgh Pirates in the second of a three-game series. Despite scoring eight runs last night, the team still couldn’t find a way into the W column. The current slide is the club’s longest since May of 2006.

6:41pm - I’m told it’s country night tonight at Wrigley Field. In honor of America’s Twangiest Tunes, Rodeo from “Rock of Love with Bret Michaels” will give a tip of the cap for each Pirates player that the Cubs strike out tonight. A tip of the cowboy cap, that is. Like so:

Keep reading →

MOUTHPIECESPORTS.COM personality and Chicago Cubs correspondent Sarah Spain will be blogging from the press box at Wrigley Field all season long. CUBS 101: Sarah Spain’s Wrigley Ramblings, will keep fans up-to-date on Lou’s Crew as they try to go all the way 101 short years after their last World Series win.

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6:30pm - The tarp is off the field and it looks as though this game will start on time. The bleachers are nearly full and fans are starting to find their seats. It’s certainly a chilly Memorial Day in Chicago–I doubt there’s much boating or bbq’ing going on tonight. Let’s hope the Cubs’ cold (like a corpse) bats find a way to heat up despite the chill in the air.

6:39pm - I spoke to Sean Marshall before the game today and he mentioned it might be mentally good for the team to face a left-handed pitcher today. (The club has faced 15 straight righties since they last saw a southpaw May 6.) If it works to tell themselves that facing a lefty or getting back home to Wrigley is all they need to get their bats going, then more power to ‘em. They’ve obviously gotta make a change–they’ve lost a season-high seven straight and hit just .160 with five runs scored in their most recent six-game road trip.

6:45pm - Perhaps the real secret weapon for the Cubs today will be the man singing the seventh inning stretch: Mr. T. Oh heck yeah. If anyone can pull the Cubs out of their worst losing streak in years, it’s that bad mofo Mr. T.

Keep reading →

MOUTHPIECESPORTS.COM personality and Chicago Cubs correspondent Sarah Spain will be blogging from the press box at Wrigley Field all season long. CUBS 101: Sarah Spain’s Wrigley Ramblings, will keep fans up-to-date on Lou’s Crew as they try to go all the way 101 short years after their last World Series win.

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12:49pm - Just about a half hour from game time. It’ll be Rich Harden (4-1, 4.54) facing Astros righty Brian Moehler (0-2, 8.44). After yesterday’s late-game collapse/Soriano heroics, I’m hoping for a calmer contest today. The team is heading to St. Louis for a big series beginning Tuesday, so I’d like to see the bullpen rested and confident heading into Redbird country.

12:50pm - Keep your eyes peeled for a special appearance by soon-to-be Tonight Show host, Conan O’Brien. Word on the street is he’ll be up to his usual tricks at some point in the game–perhaps when you least expect it. I got a chance to meet the vertically gifted gabber before the game, when he was chatting it up with Reed Johnson (aka The Beard) in the dugout.

Keep reading →

MOUTHPIECESPORTS.COM personality and Chicago Cubs correspondent Sarah Spain will be blogging from the press box at Wrigley Field all season long. CUBS 101: Sarah Spain’s Wrigley Ramblings, will keep fans up-to-date on Lou’s Crew as they try to go all the way 101 short years after their last World Series win.

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11:27pm - Just about a half hour from game time. Lou Piniella is sticking with the same lineup he had for yesterday’s game, which got postponed due to the rain. The Cubs bumped their pitchers over a day, so yesterday’s starter, Randy Wells, will pitch today. Before the game Lou talked about the young righty: “The secret for Wells is to throw strikes, get ahead of the hitters, pitch ahead in the count,” Lou said. “He’s not a power guy.”

The Astros had Brian Moehler penciled in for yesterday, but after the cancellation he’s been bumped to Sunday. Houston ace Roy Oswalt will take the mound today, as originally scheduled. Should be a big day for young Wells, facing up against one of the best in the game.

11:41pm - Carlos Zambrano is on his way to Florida today. He’ll pitch a rehab start tomorrow at Dunedin then, assuming all goes well, he should be back with the Cubs to pitch the first game of their series with the Padres next Friday.

The other day in the press conference when Lou was talking about Zambrano’s injury, he momentarily forgot which leg had the bum hamstring. When he asked for some help from Chicago Tribune writer Paul Sullivan, he turned the press room into a comedy club. Keep reading →

MOUTHPIECESPORTS.COM personality and Chicago Cubs correspondent Sarah Spain will be blogging from the press box at Wrigley Field all season long. CUBS 101: Sarah Spain’s Wrigley Ramblings, will keep fans up-to-date on Lou’s Crew as they try to go all the way 101 short years after their last World Series win.

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12:30pm - It’s raining again. It’s been raining since just after I got to the ballpark this morning around 10am. The high-tech weather-tracking device in the clubhouse has a big, scary cloud crossing over Chicago for the next few hours without end. There are some die-hards in the bleachers and a few fans scattered throughout the park, but most of the early-birds are hanging out in the concourse, waiting to see if this game is gonna happen.

It’s not looking good, but that’s what everyone said about Wednesday night’s game and that got through the requisite five innings (and into the eighth) before being called. Cubs got the win that day. Maybe rain isn’t so bad. Saved the team from having to use too many bullpen guys. I’ll keep you updated as we wait.

1:20pm - Game has been called. The make-up game will be July 30th and 1:20pm. See you back here for (hopefully) a GAME and a full live blog! Keep reading →